I feel like I'm becoming even more self-centered over here than I usually am. I'm not a compassionate person at my best. It's as though there's this infinite swarm of thoughts inside my head and it takes so much concentration to sort through them that I'm not able to look away from inward. I barely notice through the white-noise that, "Oh, there's someone talking to me." You probably know well that I'll be blank for a minute before responding. And that's even when people are speaking my language. Usually I don't mind much - I figure it's just having an overactive imagination. I like being able to have a dozen stories and songs and plans and blog posts running through my head at any one time. I'll take the lonely as the price for the creativity.
Usually I think of myself as harmlessly self-centered - though you may disagree with the "harmlessly" part. In Japan they call it being "my pace" - マイペース - which is just what it sounds like, doing things at your own speed without attention to others. It's a gentle way to say selfish.
But lately I'm toeing that dangerous line. There's this constant whine inside my head of "pay attention to me, praise me." I get pointlessly jealous of other people having a simple conversation. I want to say, "What are you talking about?" I want to hug someone so badly my arms ache. My first real adult job and I'm reverting back to childhood. It's like I'm afraid if I don't watch out for myself no one will do it for me.
How very strange.