"You can't eat sandwiches in [a bookstore] you barbarian!”

 

Robert Webb has collected some theories of what makes people happiest. I approve of the poetry ÷ pee idea, at least at my current age.

Writing a love poem to someone after you’ve only dated them a few weeks is doomed to fail, right? Well, unless you’re really lucky:

“It kind of worked.” You married her, I’d call that definitely worked.

 

Also, some David Mitchell quotes, because really:

"And with that, Zach and AJ went on to win many advertising awards, and lose their immortal souls."

re CMs referring to beer as “creamy.” I doubt my beer CM ideas would go over any better, as they would be referring to it as “smelly”

 

"We are all, of necessity, the descendants of the lucky or the cowardly."

One thing I keep in mind when I’m doing genealogy.

"I don't think the British and Americans make enough allowances for their cultural differences. When British and, say, Japanese business people meet, they're each acutely aware of the differences in their cultures, and the rich opportunities that affords them to embarrass or offend one another, by drinking from the fingerbowl or stabbing the Queen. Whereas Brits and Americans assume we basically have the same shared conventions, and we really don't."

One thing that more of my fellow expatriates should keep in mind.

 

"I don't know why I don't warm to the Irish, given the Irish are more or less genetically engineered to be warmed to. Maybe it's the terrorism."

 

re the Vikings.

"What History tells us, is that if you want to get away with an atrocity, try to commit it a millennium ago, and if at all possible, spread a rumor that you're wearing a funny hat."

 

"I do not have OCD. I've checked - three or four hundred times, and I definitely don't. I stop myself catching it by washing my hands an even number of times."

Being a member of the same “at-risk” group, I agree wholeheartedly with his opinion of people who casually pay for things. Honestly, you normal people don’t realize how difficult you’re making it for us.

 

Though it’s in the middle of a lighthearted rant on whether Jeeves was a valet or a butler, this strikes a heartbreaking chord:

"What did I used to do and say before I knew what was right and what was wrong? I don't want to be inauthentic, but I can no longer remember what I authentically said. I'm searching for the most honest way to be fake, because that's all I have left thanks to my years of relentless self-scrutiny."

 

"Sometimes I watch episodes of Antiques Roadshow for the second time. That's a very lonely moment. Initially you don't know you've seen it before, then you start to think you can guess how much things are worth and you think you're an antiques expert. Then you realize, No, it's not that."